Ask TheLostSigns #3

This weeks "Ask TheLostSigns" is brought to you by what some would say is the greatest love story ever told. I on the other hand see a bunch of nut jobs. You be the judge. (^_^)

Dearest TheLostSigns,
I am but a fair damsel shorn from my love's affection by the hatred of our two families. I fear we shall never be as one for alas I am only just shy of my fourteenth year and lacking in the power to course mine own destiny. Against the words of my father I have plotted with my dearest nurse and come upon a solution most plain. I shall ingest a tonic which will still my heart so as to mimic death, and then whilst my family lies in mourning i shall abscond with my dearest love and we shall be awayed to live out our marriage without subterfuge. Do you think i shall succeed in my endevor?
I ask that you make haste in your reply for The Prince has banished my husband and my father would unknowingly have me wed a count in disregard of my sacred vow to my estranged husband.
God speed,
Just Unlucky Like I'd Engender Tragedy 

Seriously JULIET, take a chill pill. Your thirteen. Thirteen is not old enough to have a secret husband and fake your own death to avoid dealing with your problems. And yes, being secretly married is YOUR problem. You caused this, whether you want to blame it on a hostile atmosphere in your home life or not. Maybe before faking your own death using some half assed concoction, you should tell your parents you're married, and not just play married like a normal little person (which i assume is what they call children whereever you got that hooky accent from), but married for real-reals with a priest and church and the whole shebang-bang. Then maybe you can get some help. Like maybe a nunnery or something, cause seriously you're a hot mess of hormones getting your ass in trouble like that. Once you're marriage comes to light it'll probably be annuled and then you can go get you an education. Then if you wanna hook back up with your "dearest love" do it. As. An. ADULT. Hopefully an informed one. That's all i got for you.
Oh Guurl,
TheLostSigns



Hark TheLostSigns,
I have been the recipient of the worst of news. My dearest lady-wife has committed suicide. In my grief i have purchased a drought of poison from the local apothecary and journey now in secret to the mausoleum where she lies entombed though it is surely death for me should i be caught by the authorities for i have been banished by The Prince for avenging my friend, his cousins, death in a duel with my lady-wife's cousin. Was i wrong to pursue my love? For i fear if i had not so zealously pursued my lady wife we would not have eloped, then i would not have felt bound by honor to decline the duel with my then lady-wife's cousin which lead to both my friends death and my banishment. Now my poor lady-wife is dead at the tender age of thirteen and i am alone in the world.
Pleading for thine wisdom,
Really Only Men Ever Orgasm

ROMEO, ROMEO, Why art thou such a pedophile, ROMEO? You hear that? That's the police coming to get your nasty ass. Skeezing on a thirteen year old girl. Sigh (>_<)
So to answer your question, because you couldn't keep it in your pants and wait until this girl was a reasonable age, YOU did inadvertently cause the death of your friend and "lady-wife"(PS- How creepy is it that you call her that? Ewww.). What you need to do is turn yourself in and take your punishment like a man. You're old enough to marry some kid? You're old enough to go to prison. I hear they're real nice to guys like you there. You know, if they just don't stone you or burn you at the stake first.
Laterz.
TheLostSigns