Showing posts with label Ask TheLostSigns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ask TheLostSigns. Show all posts

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #.....ERROR 404

soo yeah no Ask The LostSigns Fridays this week...sadface. I wrote it but I didn't get around to typing it up and posting it.
ehhh....

Friday, April 12, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #8

This week's "Ask TheLostSigns" is brought to you by famous video game character with problems!!! Gotta catch em all? We can help! Girlfriend get kidnapped a LOT? We've got a support group!

Dear TheLostSigns,
I'm scarred. I haven't even hit puberty yet, and i've been thrust into participating in these legalized animal fights. I just don't know how to deal with it you know. Some days it seems like i can't take to steps without being attacked by someone or something, and it's like the animals are smart you know? Like they've got feeling and lives and could have families, but instead they're angry or brainwashed or feral or something and people JUST don't seem to care. Like it's normal, you know? I don't understand why things are the way they are, and i want this to change but i don't know how to make it happen. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Always So Horrified

Dear ASH,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your story with us here at TheLostSigns. I'd like to start by saying i sympathize with the hardships your facing. You are not alone lots of people a born into or arrive upon trying situations. Please remember that your not alone.
It sounds to me like a lot of the cruelty to the beings that your so affected by is the result of the way things work in the place that you live. The easiest option i could suggest is moving somewhere where things arn't the way they are where you live. I'm sure there are others out there who feel the way you do and communtities that would welcome like minded individuals such as yourself.
BUT...that won't fix the overlying problem, which is that these things are legal and the social norm where you are now. Running away won't change that. IF you want to change the system you've got to work within it. Write your congressmen, talk to your city counsel leaders, use the internet to connect with other like minded individuals, and maybe even hold protests or rallies. Educate the masses on your ideals and try to understand their perspective as well as share your own. Open a dialog of mutual respect and hope for the best.
Good Luck!

Yo TheLostSigns,
Me and My brother, we've  got this problem. You see this girl we both know (She's my girlfriend now but he used to like her before he got one of his own.) gets kidnapped a lot, and we always have to go save her. It's gotten to the point where she's getting kidnapped allll the time. I'm afraid that soem of the things we 've been doing to save her are having negative affects on us. I'm not saying we're doing a lot of drugs or anything, but....okay yeah we're doing a lot of drugs and i think it's fucking up our bodies. I've been seeing ghosts and bullets flying at me out of nowhere, and i think the sun is trying to kill me. 
And don't even get me started on the outfits. Why am I so convinced dressing like a frog helps when i'm swimming? They're just clothes right?
Anyways...What do you think we should do?
Yours Truly,
Basically Running Outta Sense

Hey there BROS,
I...think you should leave your girlfriend. From what you say she's gotten you involved in some deep shit. If she's getting kidanpped all the time why are you the ones who have to rescue her, especially given the dangers inherent if it require drug use and costumes?
Where is this girls parents? Why haven't they called the police or other government agency? There are people who should be handling this, and i'm sorry but i don't see why that has to be you.
I'd also like to let you know that you aren't alone. There are lots of guys out there who have girlfriends this "happens" to and I recommend starting a support group and reaching out to each other. These so called rescue missions sound like they keep you isolated and in a drug induced haze away from friends and family who might try to help you or point out the dangers, or persuade you from persuing this path.
You're as much of a person as she is and no matter what anyone else says TheLostSigns truly believes you can't help anyone if you can't help yourself.
Good Luck


Thank you for stopping by for this week's installment. Only two more weeks to go and then "Ask TheLostSigns" will be going on an indefinite hiatus. Don't worry I've already got something planned to take it's place. Laterz!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #7

This weeks "Ask TheLostSigns" comes to you courtesy of the books i read this week. anna know what to do if your boss tries to get you to sign a sex contract? what about if your boyfriend has is really a shapeshifting "Aliens" monster who only looks human some of the time? Find out in this week post!

Dear TheLostSigns,
I'm really hard up. I just finished highschool, and live with my mother. I've decided to find a job and move out but the only employer to call me in for an interview is a 40-something Englishman who wants me to be a live in nude housemaid and sexual submissive. The pays great, but i'm not sure if it's the right position for me. 
What do you think?
Getting Really Anxious, Yeah

Oh GRAY, Child. I'm not one to judge (that's a lie. I totally judge.), but i don't think letting some dude twice your age use you as a sextoy WHILE YOU ALSO CLEAN HIS HOUSE is a good idea. Not only because of the obvious problems relating to power distribution between yourself and this person, but also because it might cause long term damage to your self-esteem.
Some people find that they enjoy a lifestyle of servitude that include sexual servitude, but it sounds like your being only considering this due to the lack of employment options. That should tell you it isn't for you.
Also, while i'm not comppletely up to date on what constitues prostitution, this sounds a hell of a lot like it. Are you willing to be a prostitute? Are you aware of the legality of prositution in the place where you live?
This doesn't sound safe in the slightest and i'd recommend refusing to participate in further interactions with this employer as well as reporting this to the Department of Labor in your area.
DON"T DO IT, AND REPORT THAT SHIT.
You'll be doing your community a favor.
Good Luck!

Yo TheLostSigns,
I got sent to kill this alien , but we ended up having crazy hot sex and now he's obsessed with me. He says that he's only half alien, and that he and i are biologically bonded. I agree that we're bonded, but i'm afraid, because the alien half he's descended from is known to be horrifically ugly, eat people's organs, and lay eggs in people. What should i do?
Worrying Takes Feelings

Hey WTF,
You are soooooo screwed. You could always just kill the guy like you were supposed to, right? But if you're seriously intent on making this work I reccomend fleeing at high speeds and holing yourself up somewhere safe.Once you've done that I suggest educating yourself on these aliens, from reputable sources ya hear, and then figuring out what you want to do after considering the risk of alien babies eating their way out of your chest.
You could also trying having faith in this guy, and trusting him not to well eat your organs, but thats something you have to decide for yourself.
Good Luck!
(cause you're as good as dead anyways)

Tune in next week for more Ask TheLostSigns. Only 3 more to go and then TheLostSigns might shelve this series for a while. Smooches.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #6

This week's "Ask TheLostSigns" is brought to you by the characters of long running Japanese Anime. They're stupid and they need help. good thing I'm available to give it. ^_^


Dear TheLostSigns,
Me and my friends are searching for the Moon princess. Have you seen her? This magical cat with a crescent moon on her forehead snuck into my house and started talking to me. It also gave me magical powers and now i fight the Negaverse as Sailor Moon. Strangely enough most of the friends i've met have turned out to be Sailor Scouts too! There's Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus. We've been looking for the Moon princess for a while, although we think Sailor Venus might be her, because she's so pretty and a model and stuff. What do you think?
Please help!
Must Observe Optimism Now

Hello MOON! I'd like to start off by saying thank you for writing in. I can understand how life must be really confusing for you, what with the talking cat and the superpowers. After reading your letter i was left with one nagging question, tho.
...
HOW F*CKING STUPID ARE YOU AND YOUR DUMB*SS FRIENDS?
Seriously, you're Sailor F*cking MOON. Moon is in your name. You're the god damn Moon princess.
Go back to school, cause you needs you some education.
Sincerely
TheLostSigns


Hey TheLostSigns,
I live in a town of ninjas, and one day I hope to be their leader. The best Leader they've ever known. My problem is i've got an all powerful fox spirit trapped inside me, so nobody in town will talk to me or be my friend. I'm so lonely what should i do?
Not Actually Really Up To Objecting

Thanks for the letter NARUTO.
Being the giver of sound advice for those tough life choice, I'd like to ask why what these other people think is so important to you that you'd dedicate so much of your life to them.
I can understand wanting the power that comes with being the leader, thus having control over whether they live or die, but i think that's an unhealthy ambition. It's also rather drawn out.
Wouldn't it be easier to just, i don't know, kill and eat them?
Efficiency is the name of the game.
My suggestion to you is to cut out the years of hardship and simply release the beast inside you and let it destroy your piss poor townsfolk as retribution for the misery they've caused you. You'd get away with it too, since they'd all be dead or well in your belly.
I should warn you however that everything i've read indicates that people do not taste like bacon. That'd be a problem, but i'm sure you could find some way around it.
Good luck with the upcoming massacre,
TheLostSigns

Friday, March 22, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #5

I'm back! This weeks "Ask TheLostSigns" letters are coming to you courtesy of Alphas and Masters. Relationships are complicated when you're scary.

To: TheLostSigns

I'm a Master vampire and i'm interested in pursuing a relationship with a human mortal. I've been watching said mortal for a while now and think we'd really hit it off. Do you have any tips for me?
From: Formerly A Not Good Sucker 

Hey FANGS! You've come to the right place.

My first suggestion is to research the age of consent in your location. You've got time on your hands, so if your intended is considered underage wait until they are of age before pursuing a relationship with them. Otherwise it's more than a little creepy.

My Second piece of advice is to not use your vampire hoodoo on them. Nobody likes to be coerced into a relationship. In addition you won't actually be having a "real" relationship if your partner isn't making their own decisions.

My Third piece of advice is to be open and honest with your partner about who and what you are and how that affects what you're looking for and need from a partner. If you have to drink your partners blood, they should be made aware of the fact before hand. If you can't be exposed to sunlight, they should be made aware of that. If churches make you burst into flames, tell them. Keep in mind that your partner is not like you and thus isn't going to think or react the same way you do.

Good luck!.

Dear Ask TheLostSigns,
I met this great guy, but he's an Alpha werewolf. He says that i'm his mate, and have been chosen by destiny to be the other half of his soul. I can't deny that i feel drawn to him, but i'm concerned by his dominant behavior. He follows me all the time, and restricts the places i go and who i hang out with when he's not around. He also gets very upset when i try to be independent, or don't agree with the things he says. I'd like to sit down and discuss my feelings with him, but i feel as though he doesn't listen to me or put sufficient weight on my opinion. What should i do?
Sincerely,
Didn't Ask-Men Should Encourage Liberty

Oh DAMSEL,
Honey this man is a problem. You have the right to be independent, and anyone who loves you should support your independence. It's obvious that he is placing his "issues" on you. You're not in control of fate or destiny, but that shouldn't make you a victim. His controlling behavior and lack of sympathy for how it's affecting you make it obvious his only concern is himself. That you feel that he won't listen to you is your subconscious's way of telling you he's trouble and that you shouldn't trust him. This is exasperated by his attempts to derail discussion by getting upset. I recommend attempting couples counseling, but in the event that is not an option i suggest leaving him. Fate doesn't promise happy endings, just that things will happen.

Good Luck!

Thank you for joining us this week. Hope ya'll enjoyed the advice. I'll be back next week with "Ask TheLostSigns #6"

Friday, March 15, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns is going on hiatus this week.

I'd luv to spread my wonderful advice to those fictional characters in need, but sadly i'm either hella sick or seriously depressed, cause i'm actually actively avoiding doing it this week. seriously i'm not even gonna try to make some excuse or push it back. I'm just not gonna do it so it stops weighing on me.
Next week i'll hopefully be back with an intsallment.

*The above statement is why i have trouble remaining employed as well. At first i'm super excited and then shortly there after i'm consumed by cripling dread. Hopefully i'll be recovered enough to be creative in time for Free Fiction Tuesdays.

Smooches

Friday, March 8, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #4

This week we've got a bet to settle. A FASHION BET!!! Let go to it! Rating system is 1-10, where 10 is the best and 1 means you're not neked.

Hey TheLostSigns,
Me and my pals... well, my arch nemesis, my ex-girlfriend, and some girl without a soul have decided to form a revolution. I thought we could use some new duds so i had these made. I think they're awesome so I bet those guys over at *name withheld for legal reasons* that our costumes were way better then theirs. What do you think?
Sorry Couldn't Originally Talk Trash 

 Well, SCOTT the picture you sent me has 6 people in it so it's hard to figure out who the 4 you mentioned are, thankfully you sent me a couple extras so I'm gonna give you my honest opinion.

So this is your new outfit? Dahhhling, you look like the movie Tron threw up on you. Seriously, you're a penis. An angry fucked up looking penis, possibly with some sort of developmental disorder. It's not supposed to be shaped like an "X". You need to call your people and get a refund. 
Rating: 3 outta 10, because at least you kinda tried.



This must be the Arch Nemesis. I like how he's going for the anonymous Lawrence of Arabia look. Although the white must get hell's dirty... I'm gonna say this is a win!
Rating: 8 outta 10, cause the gloves darling, the gloves. Just say no.


 Now we come to the ladies, the other is kinda young looking so i'm gonna say this smirky looking lady is your ex-girlfriend. I get what she was going for, but honey, too much cleavage. That thing is cut down to your belly button. You need to raise that a good 6 inches, and the we can talk. Also loose the gloves. Do you have man hands or something you gotta cover them up? You're not going to a show, so loose the Opera gloves. Maybe try some fingerless wrist length gloves next time kay?
Rating: 5 outta 10, cause it's just very sloppy, luv. Do better!


Now this girl may not have a soul, but she knows how to work that shit. This is what I'm talking about. She's basically wearing some cheap ass short-shorts, but she got them boots and them gloves and them arm bands and that KILLER JACKET. It's got no sleeve on one side, and the other has freakin' spikes!!! You shoulda gone to her for some fashion advice.
 Rating: 10 outta 10. Gurl you KIL'T it.

Let's add em up that give you 26 outta 40.


TheLostSigns,
We got roped into this bet so we're going balls out, holla! We gonna keep it fair though, and only send over 4 of our guys. Check us out!
Just Like Amigos



Okay, JLA. Throw em at me!

 Kay, so I'm liking the blue and red and yellow., but what's up with the belt? Your pants are like skin tight. That's a little to much accessorizing. I like the little details on the hands, but loose the cape it's so "I'm a fancy superhero".
Rating: 7 outta 10, cause i don't hate it, but it's a bit too much. lol

 Oh, looks like we've got a furry. Senior Murcielago, again with the cape? Just no. I do like the gloves, tho. Also the cowl thing...it's just so theme park of the damned, you know, Do better next time.
Rating: 4 outta 10, seriously you look cheap. And not like hooker cheap, but like i made my own Halloween costume cheap. DISCOUNT!!!



Hmm, gold and green with sequins and a Mandarin collar. Love it. The belt breaks things up and the gloves are a nice touch, although i'd think you'd knock things over, as loose as they seem to be around your forearms. Very nice indeed.
Rating 9 outta 10, cause perfect-o, but fix the gloves please.


Ladies last, hmmm? well I'm liking the silver cuffs, that works pretty well. The silver is washing you out quite a bit tho. Also your, what appear to be, granny pants have stars on them...that's kinda wierd since i'm getting an overall American Flag vibe off of you. I can understand patriotic, but did you only have the material from ONE flag, cause that's a lotta skin. Must get cold fighting crime or whatever it is you do...?
Rating: 3 outta 10, cause I'm just not seeing it. You look a hot mess, gurl.

That's 23 outta 40 for you JLA.

To tally our votes: we've got SCOTT and his group with 26 and JLA with 23. Sorry JLA you're gonna have to wow me a bit more, instead of looking so half price. 

That's all for this week!
SMOOCHES!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Video blogging? O_o?

So i've been thinking of getting a webcam so i could live blog some stuff.

I mean i could do a video blog of my Writing Supenaturals series, but i thought it might be fun to do a live stream of me writing my Ask TheLostSigns or Free Fiction series.

I don't know that people would be super insterested in that, but it might be fun to get a group of authors together and do a writing workshop/group thing together if were working on some of the same topics like relationships or supernaturals in our stories.

Could be fun...

Anyways I'll post more on this as the situation warrants.

Smooches!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #3

This weeks "Ask TheLostSigns" is brought to you by what some would say is the greatest love story ever told. I on the other hand see a bunch of nut jobs. You be the judge. (^_^)

Dearest TheLostSigns,
I am but a fair damsel shorn from my love's affection by the hatred of our two families. I fear we shall never be as one for alas I am only just shy of my fourteenth year and lacking in the power to course mine own destiny. Against the words of my father I have plotted with my dearest nurse and come upon a solution most plain. I shall ingest a tonic which will still my heart so as to mimic death, and then whilst my family lies in mourning i shall abscond with my dearest love and we shall be awayed to live out our marriage without subterfuge. Do you think i shall succeed in my endevor?
I ask that you make haste in your reply for The Prince has banished my husband and my father would unknowingly have me wed a count in disregard of my sacred vow to my estranged husband.
God speed,
Just Unlucky Like I'd Engender Tragedy 

Seriously JULIET, take a chill pill. Your thirteen. Thirteen is not old enough to have a secret husband and fake your own death to avoid dealing with your problems. And yes, being secretly married is YOUR problem. You caused this, whether you want to blame it on a hostile atmosphere in your home life or not. Maybe before faking your own death using some half assed concoction, you should tell your parents you're married, and not just play married like a normal little person (which i assume is what they call children whereever you got that hooky accent from), but married for real-reals with a priest and church and the whole shebang-bang. Then maybe you can get some help. Like maybe a nunnery or something, cause seriously you're a hot mess of hormones getting your ass in trouble like that. Once you're marriage comes to light it'll probably be annuled and then you can go get you an education. Then if you wanna hook back up with your "dearest love" do it. As. An. ADULT. Hopefully an informed one. That's all i got for you.
Oh Guurl,
TheLostSigns



Hark TheLostSigns,
I have been the recipient of the worst of news. My dearest lady-wife has committed suicide. In my grief i have purchased a drought of poison from the local apothecary and journey now in secret to the mausoleum where she lies entombed though it is surely death for me should i be caught by the authorities for i have been banished by The Prince for avenging my friend, his cousins, death in a duel with my lady-wife's cousin. Was i wrong to pursue my love? For i fear if i had not so zealously pursued my lady wife we would not have eloped, then i would not have felt bound by honor to decline the duel with my then lady-wife's cousin which lead to both my friends death and my banishment. Now my poor lady-wife is dead at the tender age of thirteen and i am alone in the world.
Pleading for thine wisdom,
Really Only Men Ever Orgasm

ROMEO, ROMEO, Why art thou such a pedophile, ROMEO? You hear that? That's the police coming to get your nasty ass. Skeezing on a thirteen year old girl. Sigh (>_<)
So to answer your question, because you couldn't keep it in your pants and wait until this girl was a reasonable age, YOU did inadvertently cause the death of your friend and "lady-wife"(PS- How creepy is it that you call her that? Ewww.). What you need to do is turn yourself in and take your punishment like a man. You're old enough to marry some kid? You're old enough to go to prison. I hear they're real nice to guys like you there. You know, if they just don't stone you or burn you at the stake first.
Laterz.
TheLostSigns

Friday, February 22, 2013

Sorry about that... (>_<)

So I only got around to posting this weeks "Ask TheLostSigns" on Friday morning at 3am, my bad. I knew i should have done it yesterday morning. sadface.
Anywasy, it's up now. So Yey!! (^_^)

In other news, I decided to change one of the character slated to appear in the second installment of "Free Fiction Tuesdays". That ment I had to go through and change all the refrences to her in the first installment to feminine ones. I didn't realize how much of a hassle that would be.
well i'm gonna start writing the second installment as soon as i figure out what i want to happen. Or rather what happens. lol

Smooches all!

Ask TheLostSigns #2

This weeks "Ask TheLostSigns" feature questions from some Fairytale characters that we all know and love. Sadly they have problems..so many problems... 
Don't worry, tho. TheLostSigns has advice!!! (^_^)

 Dear TheLostSigns,
I've got a problem. A rather large female shaped problem. See, I'm not to good with women. It might be because I was born the most attractive man in the world and a prince, but women just don't seem to get me, you know? A while ago I was cursed to be horrendously ugly by an Evil Fairy after i refused her sexual advances. Considering I was entrusted into her care by my mother shortly after my fathers death, i don't really understand how i was so out of line as to be the recipient of this punishment.
Anyways, Recently I caught a thief ripping up my garden and stealing my enchanted rosebushes. I used my terrifying visage to scare the beggeazus out of him and before he ran off into the night he swore that he'd provide compensation for the damage he did. Now, i thought for sure that was the last I'd hear of the old bugger, but a few days later a young woman appeared claiming to be his daughter and PAYMENT for the damage. Since she's made it clear she doesn't intend to go home without making sure her father doesn't owe me anything I've done my best to make her comfortable and stay out of her way. Checking in on her, however, i've discovered her talking to random pieces of furniture and cutlery around the castle... She's also begun searching me out and trying to make conversation or just watching me as i go about my daily business. It's a bit frightening, what do i do?

In need of your fine advice,
Basically Entitled And Suddenly Disposed

BEAST-y, darling. You need to call the police.This thief and his alleged daughter have damaged your property and invaded your home. They're taking advantage of you.
It also sounds to me like this young woman might be suffering from schizophrenia and/or hallucinations if she's talking to inanimate objects. You can't really do anything to help her since your not a doctor and there is a slight chance she could become violent towards you under certain conditions. Conditions of which may become more likely now as you've stated she taking a greater interest in interacting with you.
Call the cops, now, before it's to late!!
Good Luck.


Hello Mr. TheLostSigns,
There's this guy I like, but he doesn't even know I exist. I watched him at a party one night and fell in love. I even saved him from a shipwreck when he would have drowned. My problem is after all i've done for him he never tries to meet me or come see me. He's very ungrateful, but i love him despite his many failings. My dad says I've got an unhealthy obsession with my prince,  and has forbidden me from seeking him out, but i've made some arrangements with a well known facilitator of dreams to have some corrective surgery done and then i'm going to find my handsome prince and i'm sure he'll ask me to marry him and we'll spend the rest of our lives together happily ever after. The only problem i can see is that i have to pay for my surgery with my voice so i won't be able to talk to him. Love can overcome anything right even a lack of speech right?

Tell me i can make it work!
Admittedly Really Intense Even Loving 

Dear ARIEL, you need to listen to your father. You're obsessed with this dude and it's unhealthy. You be on some Fatal Attraction level crazy and you need to stop, like, right now. Kay? Your building some kinda relationship with this man but it all in your head. You have to use your words to interact with him or he won't know about the times you spend together, understand? He's probably not ungrateful. He just doesn't know who you are or that you two have ever met.
Now, Ariel, i need you to answer me very honestly hear so i can help you. Is a "facilitator of dreams" a witch? Cause witches are bad, girl. Also, do not buy reconstructive surgery so you can mack on a guy. Don't get me wrong guys like attractive women, but they also like attractive women who can talk, even if it's only to ask what they want for dinner. How you gonna pay for surgery with YOUR voice? Are you gonna burp it into a jar or something? Your facilitator might remove your vocal cords, gurl. Those are hard to put back in.
Anwasy, My advice is to go, right now, and get you some therapy. Lot's and lots of therapy you can keep your body in tact and maybe learn how to love yourself first and listen to the people who actually know you and care about you.
Good luck!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Blog-gy stuff! (^_^)

KK, so here's the plan:

Free Fiction Tuesdays
Ask TheLostSigns Thursdays Fridays

Writing Supernaturals Saturdays Sundays

This is the Official plan! Yey!!! (^_^)

I don't have i title yet for the Free Fiction Tuesdays book, maybe i'll leave that to you guys?
I totally did the first installment for next week!!!
I did make maps and writing names and descriptions and i think i know what's going on. lol
Still gotta figure out what everyone looks like. Figured out what everyone looks like!!

I asked my brother to take over this weeks advice for "Ask TheLostSigns" but i don't know if he'll actually do it although he did say he was flabergasted by the letters i wrote to give advice to.

Still in the middle of the "Writing Supernaturals" for this week. So many pictures...gah.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Getting ahead... (^_^)

Tonight while i wait for my hotdogs to explode, I've decided that since i'm prone to procrastination I'm going to get ahead a bit on my "Writing Supernaturals" and "Ask TheLostSigns" blog series. I think maybe having a week or 2 done in advance might give me a pretty decent buffer.

wish me luck.

Smooches!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Ask TheLostSigns #1

Thanks for tuning in to the first installment of "Ask TheLostSigns", where your all knowing TheLostSigns commentator gives his real advice to some not-so-real people. (^_^)
In honor of Valentine's Day's recent passing today's letters are awesome. Does that make any sense? No, it does not, but TheLostSigns is fine with that!

Dear TheLostSigns,
I'm  writing you today, because i'm tired. I'm a long lived god who spends my days shooting my love, and hate, arrows at unsuspecting mortals in order to help them find true love. Meanwhile my own true love evades me. My last real relationship was ages ago and ended badly. She just couldn't handle all the restrictions placed on our relationship. It's not my fault i couldn't let her see what i look like! So there i am sneaking into her room under cover of darkness in the middle of the night and thinking everything is going great when one night i awaken to her WATCHING me sleep and dripping candle wax on me. I high tailed it outta there. Bitches be crazy! But now a couple thousand years have passed and i'm ready to put myself out there again. How do I start?

Sincerely,
Can't Unsee Peeping Immature Dim-wit

Hi, CUPID. Thank you for taking the time to write me with your question. The first step to finding an answer is asking the right questions! Now, before i get to your question i'd like to take a moment and address something in your letter that really concerned me. For your own sake, and that of the people you purport to help, please stop going around doping people. Date Rape is not as fun as it sounds. It is also illegal in pretty much every country on the planet to drug someone without their knowledge, even if it's for the sake of "true love". Also breaking and entering is a felony. Please don't sneak into peoples homes, even if they're your "girlfriend".
Now, on to your question! I can understand your trepidation at putting yourself out there, but you'll never meet someone sneaking around drugging people and having anonymous sex. It sounds, "vaguely", like you yourself are in the matchmaking business, but your approach at work is probably affecting your ability to find love in your personal life. Are you waiting around for someone to drug you without your knowledge? Cause that never ends well. I recommend changing your approach to love. It's not about drugs, it's about people and free will. You're a god, perhaps try using your powers to create safe spaces so people can get to know each other. Bringing together people from different walks of life who might not have otherwise met would be a good way to spend your time. I think you'll find that you might even be more open minded about love coming into your own life, and will probably have more opportunities to pursue a relationship yourself. Good Luck!


 Yo TheLostSigns,
What's hanging dude? My wife be all types of crazy. I mean I love her, man, but she be busting my balls something fierce. She found out about me and some other ho, and she sent FLIES to harass her all day and night. Who does that? Oh, and then this other time she put some SNAKES up in the crib of one of my kids. Snakes and Babies, for reals. She's hell'a jealous of all the hot chicks i be banging on the side. What am i supposed to do about the wifey drama?

Woot-woot!
Zoophilia's Uncool Except Sex

Hello, ZUES. You're a slut. Yes, you heard me. In fact, you're not only a slut you're the worst type of slut there is, a dishonest slut. Your letter tells me that you've been sleeping around on your wife, whom you profess to love while calling her crazy and expounding upon her multiple jealous, bordering homicidal, tendencies.

So you've got two options that i can see:
The first is divorce. Obviously she's not providing you with what you need sexually, and she appears to be dangerous to anyone you come into contact with. Eventually she may stop directing her feelings at the other parties and start directing them at you. So unless you wanna sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life get outta there. Or better yet, she may get fed up with your philandering ways and divorce you!
The second option is to sit down and discuss your situation with your wife. This can result in one of two events occurring. The one you'll be hoping for is being met with understanding and gratitude for revealing yourself to her. This will hopefully lead to redefining the terms of your marriage, perhaps even an open marriage where in you both are enabled to pursue other sexual partner with each others support, while maintaining a strong loving relationship with each other. Result two is that after discussing your feelings with your wife YOU make an effort to rehabilitate your whoring ways and remain faithful to your wife. You say you love her, maybe you should act like it. Either way, you need to make it work, or there will be divorce or murder in your future. Good Luck.


Until next weeks installment, keep on keeping on!

TheLostSigns encourages anyone and everyone to send in letters from your own characters or from your favorite characters. we'll be sure to answer them to the best of our ability. (^_^)