Ask TheLostSigns #1

Thanks for tuning in to the first installment of "Ask TheLostSigns", where your all knowing TheLostSigns commentator gives his real advice to some not-so-real people. (^_^)
In honor of Valentine's Day's recent passing today's letters are awesome. Does that make any sense? No, it does not, but TheLostSigns is fine with that!

Dear TheLostSigns,
I'm  writing you today, because i'm tired. I'm a long lived god who spends my days shooting my love, and hate, arrows at unsuspecting mortals in order to help them find true love. Meanwhile my own true love evades me. My last real relationship was ages ago and ended badly. She just couldn't handle all the restrictions placed on our relationship. It's not my fault i couldn't let her see what i look like! So there i am sneaking into her room under cover of darkness in the middle of the night and thinking everything is going great when one night i awaken to her WATCHING me sleep and dripping candle wax on me. I high tailed it outta there. Bitches be crazy! But now a couple thousand years have passed and i'm ready to put myself out there again. How do I start?

Sincerely,
Can't Unsee Peeping Immature Dim-wit

Hi, CUPID. Thank you for taking the time to write me with your question. The first step to finding an answer is asking the right questions! Now, before i get to your question i'd like to take a moment and address something in your letter that really concerned me. For your own sake, and that of the people you purport to help, please stop going around doping people. Date Rape is not as fun as it sounds. It is also illegal in pretty much every country on the planet to drug someone without their knowledge, even if it's for the sake of "true love". Also breaking and entering is a felony. Please don't sneak into peoples homes, even if they're your "girlfriend".
Now, on to your question! I can understand your trepidation at putting yourself out there, but you'll never meet someone sneaking around drugging people and having anonymous sex. It sounds, "vaguely", like you yourself are in the matchmaking business, but your approach at work is probably affecting your ability to find love in your personal life. Are you waiting around for someone to drug you without your knowledge? Cause that never ends well. I recommend changing your approach to love. It's not about drugs, it's about people and free will. You're a god, perhaps try using your powers to create safe spaces so people can get to know each other. Bringing together people from different walks of life who might not have otherwise met would be a good way to spend your time. I think you'll find that you might even be more open minded about love coming into your own life, and will probably have more opportunities to pursue a relationship yourself. Good Luck!


 Yo TheLostSigns,
What's hanging dude? My wife be all types of crazy. I mean I love her, man, but she be busting my balls something fierce. She found out about me and some other ho, and she sent FLIES to harass her all day and night. Who does that? Oh, and then this other time she put some SNAKES up in the crib of one of my kids. Snakes and Babies, for reals. She's hell'a jealous of all the hot chicks i be banging on the side. What am i supposed to do about the wifey drama?

Woot-woot!
Zoophilia's Uncool Except Sex

Hello, ZUES. You're a slut. Yes, you heard me. In fact, you're not only a slut you're the worst type of slut there is, a dishonest slut. Your letter tells me that you've been sleeping around on your wife, whom you profess to love while calling her crazy and expounding upon her multiple jealous, bordering homicidal, tendencies.

So you've got two options that i can see:
The first is divorce. Obviously she's not providing you with what you need sexually, and she appears to be dangerous to anyone you come into contact with. Eventually she may stop directing her feelings at the other parties and start directing them at you. So unless you wanna sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life get outta there. Or better yet, she may get fed up with your philandering ways and divorce you!
The second option is to sit down and discuss your situation with your wife. This can result in one of two events occurring. The one you'll be hoping for is being met with understanding and gratitude for revealing yourself to her. This will hopefully lead to redefining the terms of your marriage, perhaps even an open marriage where in you both are enabled to pursue other sexual partner with each others support, while maintaining a strong loving relationship with each other. Result two is that after discussing your feelings with your wife YOU make an effort to rehabilitate your whoring ways and remain faithful to your wife. You say you love her, maybe you should act like it. Either way, you need to make it work, or there will be divorce or murder in your future. Good Luck.


Until next weeks installment, keep on keeping on!

TheLostSigns encourages anyone and everyone to send in letters from your own characters or from your favorite characters. we'll be sure to answer them to the best of our ability. (^_^)