Ask TheLostSigns #6

This week's "Ask TheLostSigns" is brought to you by the characters of long running Japanese Anime. They're stupid and they need help. good thing I'm available to give it. ^_^


Dear TheLostSigns,
Me and my friends are searching for the Moon princess. Have you seen her? This magical cat with a crescent moon on her forehead snuck into my house and started talking to me. It also gave me magical powers and now i fight the Negaverse as Sailor Moon. Strangely enough most of the friends i've met have turned out to be Sailor Scouts too! There's Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus. We've been looking for the Moon princess for a while, although we think Sailor Venus might be her, because she's so pretty and a model and stuff. What do you think?
Please help!
Must Observe Optimism Now

Hello MOON! I'd like to start off by saying thank you for writing in. I can understand how life must be really confusing for you, what with the talking cat and the superpowers. After reading your letter i was left with one nagging question, tho.
...
HOW F*CKING STUPID ARE YOU AND YOUR DUMB*SS FRIENDS?
Seriously, you're Sailor F*cking MOON. Moon is in your name. You're the god damn Moon princess.
Go back to school, cause you needs you some education.
Sincerely
TheLostSigns


Hey TheLostSigns,
I live in a town of ninjas, and one day I hope to be their leader. The best Leader they've ever known. My problem is i've got an all powerful fox spirit trapped inside me, so nobody in town will talk to me or be my friend. I'm so lonely what should i do?
Not Actually Really Up To Objecting

Thanks for the letter NARUTO.
Being the giver of sound advice for those tough life choice, I'd like to ask why what these other people think is so important to you that you'd dedicate so much of your life to them.
I can understand wanting the power that comes with being the leader, thus having control over whether they live or die, but i think that's an unhealthy ambition. It's also rather drawn out.
Wouldn't it be easier to just, i don't know, kill and eat them?
Efficiency is the name of the game.
My suggestion to you is to cut out the years of hardship and simply release the beast inside you and let it destroy your piss poor townsfolk as retribution for the misery they've caused you. You'd get away with it too, since they'd all be dead or well in your belly.
I should warn you however that everything i've read indicates that people do not taste like bacon. That'd be a problem, but i'm sure you could find some way around it.
Good luck with the upcoming massacre,
TheLostSigns